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From the Classifieds:

Lost: Small poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Dinner Special : Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For Sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Dog For Sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Great Dames for Sale.

Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.

Stock Up and Save. Limit one.

Man, Honest. Will take anything.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

At fast food drive up window : If you can't read this a picture menu is available.

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.